The Killer Inside
by LittleWing
Summary: There’s a killer inside me. I can feel it wanting out. It relished killing Meg and the guy from the alley. one shot


The Killer Inside

Disclaimer: I don't own Supernatural...but here's to dreamin'.  
Rating: G  
Paring: None  
Character: inside Dean's head  
Summary: _There's a killer inside me. I can feel it wanting out. It relished killing Meg and the guy from the alley._  
Warnings: none  
Spoilers: any and all episodes  
Author's Notes: I was a little down all day today so I thought "what the hell write a fic and feel better." So I did. I was feeling better way before I sat down to write this but wrote anyway. I haven't written much lately, so... This is un-beta'd so any mistakes are all mine. This is a bit introspective and really isn't set after any particular episode though it does make reference to Devil's Trap, Benders and Faith. Please do not flame me, as that will only lead to a very unpretty scene. Written to Better Than Ezra's "Killer Inside."  
Archived: here, The Wonderful World of Makebelieve

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**The Killer Inside**

They…Sam doesn't know what's really going on in my head. If he did…if Dad did they'd be afraid. Not of me, but for me. They'd be afraid of me falling off the delicate knife's edge that I've been balancing on for too long. They'd be afraid of what I would do to myself if it ever all got to be too much. Hell I don't even know what I'd do if it ever came to that; but it wouldn't be pretty or good.

There's a killer inside me. They bring it out; Sam and Dad. I sent a demon back to hell to find Dad, and condemned a girl to death to do it. I shot a man in the head, not even giving him the opportunity to live-to save Sam. And I'd do it all again if I had to. I'd level the gun at the possessed man's head and pull my trigger to save Sam. I'd force Sam to exorcise that demo from the innocent girl to find Dad all over again.

Hell for them I'd reverse time and save us all from this hell we've come to know as a life. As much as I want there to be a way to do that there isn't. I've tried.

Maybe it's a good thing that there isn't any way to do that. Maybe I don't want to fix this life. I love Mom. God I miss her every day. I still don't understand why It picked us. Why It wants Sam. But I do know that whoever, whatever I have to kill to keep them alive and safe I will.

There's a killer inside me. They chose not to see it. But they know that it's there. They have to know. Dad knows. He never would've given me the responsibility of Sam if he didn't know. He wouldn't be so afraid for me, if he didn't. He thinks that I don't know how afraid for me he is. Sam's the same way. Sam's easier to read. But I know them both.

I know that it bothers Sam how willing I am to kill. Both times that I suggested killing, panic settled into his hazel-brown eyes and he pleaded with me not to. I was only half serious about killing Roy, but Max was different. Both times I yielded to his pleas.

Dad never pleaded with me not to kill. Never asked or told me not to. Never really told me to either. Killing's a part of what we do. After all you can't just slap a werewolf or ghost on the wrist and say, "that was naughty. Don't ever do that again or next time you'll really get a spanking." No these creatures didn't work that way. You either killed them or they killed you or some other innocent person.

There's a killer inside me. And I wish that there wasn't. Some days all I want to do is crawl in a hole and never come out because the want to just kill is almost too strong. Hunting people is wrong. I know that. It's sick even. But why is killing the evil people wrong. Sam never could explain it to me in a way that made sense. The system that he put so much faith in, the very one that we spent so much time avoiding, was the very one failing the innocent people we're trying to keep safe from monsters and other things that go bump in the night. And for what? So that some crazy human monster like Roy's wife or the Bender's can come along a decide whose fit to live and who isn't?

It scares Sam- the killer lurking beneath my surface. I can see it just under everything else floating in his eyes when he looks at me. He tries to ignore it. Tries to believe that he can change it. Make it go away. Plead with it. God do I wish that he could. It's always there whispering like a fiend to me.

Dad isn't afraid of what he's molded me into. He doesn't want me to go around killing innocent people. But anyone threatening the family he knows is fair game. Anyone threatening innocent people is fair game. He doesn't encourage it either.

There's a killer inside me. I can feel it wanting out. It relished killing Meg and the guy from the alley. It relished the vampires I beheaded and the barn that we burned. It danced and delighted with the thought of killing Roy to stop the killings tied to his healings. It all but jumped up and down with joy at the mention of killing Max. It ached at the inability I had at killing any of the Bender's. Oh how it wanted to twist the old man's head around on his shoulders for giving the order to shoot Sam in the cage and not give him the fighting chance that he deserved. How is sighed and drank in Kathleen's torment as she admitted to killing the very man it wanted to kill.

It scares the hell out of me each time that I kill to save one of them. It kills me a little each time too. It frightens me every time I hear the words tumble from my mouth. Scares me more when Sam starts to tell me how we can't kill a person. But to save him and dad I killed two people in less than two days. It scares me even more when dad doesn't discourage the killing.

I know that they both see it. They know that it's there lurking just beneath my barely held together bravado, this killer inside me. Someday he and I will have to fight for control. I'm afraid that he'll win. Maybe even more afraid that he won't. Maybe I'm more afraid that he's who I really am. Maybe I've been deluding myself all this time with who I really think that I am. Maybe not.

There's a killer inside me. They both see it. They know it's there. But as long as it and me keep saving them, they won't care.

There's a killer inside me and it scares me. But for them I can be strong. I can hide him for them. And I will until it kills me.

Fin


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